Incoming untrue statement: “Happy couples don’t fight.”
And now a true one: Not all fighting is unhealthy. When you know how to “fight fair,” you can classify it as more of a disagreement than an argument – or, better yet, a “discussion.” While letting your feelings boil up so much that you’re triggered to loudly or not-so-nicely express them might feel cathartic in the moment, it can leave lingering shame even in the good times. Still, doing so – when necessary – is better than being chronically conflict-avoidant. From the bedroom to the office, we’ll walk you through how to speak your feelings respectfully.
It’s the overarching stigma on negative feelings and fighting that classifies these natural occurrences as “bad.” And what are the chances that everyone is feeling great all the time, that no one has a bone to pick about the side-eye someone threw their way last Tuesday? The projection of positivity – particularly on social media and when in the position of being perceived by others – reinforces this belief, leading to a form of culture-wide emotional repression. In its purest form, a conflict should be about people sharing their feelings, with the intention of resolving it so that everyone is satisfied and can move on.
Facing a fight takes courage, especially when the potential of leaving an issue unresolved simply isn’t an option. And the question of, “Is it worth it?,” comes into play. The truth is that fighting inflicts severe stress on the body, and leaves lasting grief, fragility and resentment – but so can holding everything in. By not asking for something or communicating your thoughts, how can anyone help make it better?
Navigating change, finances, the pandemic, the workplace, raising children, in-laws, health, intimacy… Sometimes it can feel like the odds are stacked against you. It’s nearly impossible to dodge these problems, but one thing that can significantly help is your approach to conflict. It takes real mental strength to hit pause and slow down when in the heat of a fight, remembering that this is a person you want to work with to resolve an issue, not against. Yelling or emotionally-cornering someone can make them feel not only misunderstood but threatened, resulting in a bigger blow-up. Reflecting on our combative tendencies can help trace where they first emerged, and how we can remedy them.
There’s such a thing as a “constructive conflict.” This sounds like an oxymoron, but in essence means a disagreement for the purpose of embracing different ideas. Destructive conflict, on the other hand, is when “opponents” purposely reject respect. One way to stop this is by preemptively identifying an issue and addressing it before it escalates further. Words matter, so choose ones that communicate your message rather than intentionally harm.
Even in the absence of confrontation, prepare by creating psychological contracts. When emotions start to run high, turn to this as a reference point. This not only grants permission to disagree, but clearly defines what each party is comfortable with. Stick with me here – this might even mean scheduling fights. It might take some thinking to get behind this idea, and brainpower to hold off on the temptation to argue, but by doing so you’ll avoid the heat of the moment and reevaluate what you want to say. Also, this guarantees that you each have enough time to air your grievances and for the other to listen, which can “drain the drama.”
Really, conflict is a dialogue of miscommunication. The desire to win is intrinsically chemical, so moving past this when approaching issues can take some rewiring of your brain. Whether you’re short-tempered, the sharp-tongued, the crier, the runaway, the over-apologizer, the calm one or the friend, it’s always in your power to redirect your course of confrontation. Choose your fighter
